


Saying I Do in Hell

by Siria



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23188597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siria/pseuds/Siria
Summary: When you get married in Hell, there’s nowhere for your marriage to go but up.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 17
Kudos: 164





	Saying I Do in Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trinityofone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trinityofone/gifts).



> For trinityofone on her birthday. May this be the weirdest birthday of yours/Patrick's Day we ever celebrate.

It took Shane a moment to get the camera sitting securely on the tripod, but in his defense it was hard to get the ole digits to cooperate when you had a mild-to-moderate case of the nerves going on. They weren't even the bad nerves, but this was turning out to be an unusually consequential Saturday.

“Eh, we can edit any wobbles out before we upload it,” Ryan said, sitting next to him on the motel bed.

“You’re super confident about our ability to maintain even a semblance of production values after going rogue,” Shane said.

“What can I say?” Ryan grinned at him. “Turns out I’m the kind of guy who likes to live on the edge.”

“There is nothing about hearing that kind of statement coming out of that particular mouth which was not infuriating,” Shane said. “Just so you’re aware.”

“You love it,” Ryan said, patting him on the knee, and the even more infuriating part of it all was that Shane did. Shaking his head, he set the camera to record.

“This week, on _Buzzfeed Unsolved_ —” Ryan intoned.

“—we’ve got a mystery for you fine folks to investigate,” Shane said, pointing at the camera. “You’re probably already wondering what’s going on here, on account of how we told you our season finale would be coming to you from the great state of Kentucky and this is very, super clearly not Kentucky.”

“You think that people can tell what state we’re in from what the motel room looks like?” Ryan said haltingly, looking around in exaggerated confusion at the dingy peach wallpaper and dingier green carpet.

“I wouldn’t put it past ‘em,” Shane said. “They’re folks of taste and discretion, they can tell when they’re looking at somewhere in the great Midwest.”

“Jesus Christ,” Ryan said, “If this is your cue to start talking about how your people are hardy enough to survive ten feet of snow falling on the average Tuesday while you’re still wearing shorts and, and eating the weirdest shit and calling it casseroles—”

“The Midwest.” Shane raised both arms over his head in triumph. “The greatest region.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Ryan said. “We had planned to head to the fabled Pope Lick Bridge in Kentucky—”

“To see a goat demon about a bridge,” Shane interjected. “Maybe lick a pope.” That was honestly the only thing he regretted about doing this: foregoing the chance to claim the entirely legally non-binding ownership of yet another rickety, backwoods bridge which locals claimed was inhabited by a goat-shaped demon. Not that Shane had changed his stance at all on the existence of demons, goat-shaped or otherwise (namely: bullshit) but getting Ryan all riled up about it was fun.

(It also turned out that getting Ryan all riled up about goat-demon taunting was a sure-fire way of making him mad enough to kiss you for the very first time, but there were things that even Shane didn’t necessarily want to talk about on camera. There were some memories—Ryan's mouth opening beneath his, the frantic clutch of Ryan's fingers at his hips—that he wanted just for himself.)

“—but, uh, slight change of plans. We’re in Michigan.”

“What you might call going out with a bang,” Shane said. He reached across to the bedside table and tapped at his phone screen. Judging by the lengthy scroll of email and message notifications, someone in the BuzzFeed higher-ups had finally noticed that he and Ryan had changed their flights from SDF to DTW and travelled without the crew. Shane didn’t particularly give a shit anymore though, so he turned his attention back to the camera and Ryan.

“And sad to say, but this is going to be the last ever episode of _BuzzFeed Unsolved_ ,” Ryan said. “On account of, uh, some spectacular behind-the-scenes bullshit that our employers have pulled so by the time you see this they’ll be our ex-employers, we’ll be ex-contractors—”

“But not in the way where we die,” Shane felt moved to clarify. People could and did jump to all sorts of weird conclusions on the internet, just self-yeeted right off the cliff of rationality.

“I don’t think anyone thought—”

“No one’s going to die here,” Shane said loudly.

“Anyway,” Ryan said, “exercising the last of our creative control to do a little change of plans because today is February 29, Leap Day, so we decided to come here to the small town of Hell, Michigan.”

“Can I just say,” Shane said, “a place name choice I approve of. That’s bold. That’s visionary. Surely Lucifer himself was like, I respect their moxie.”

“The people of Hell also understand a branding opportunity where they see one,” Ryan said, “so today they’re offering 29 couples the chance to get hitched in Hell on a date that doesn’t exist most years! I think that’s what, uh, I think that's what my marketing professor from college would call a unique selling point right there.”

“And,” Shane said, “it’s February in Michigan, so you can forever tell people you got married on the day when Hell was frozen over!” He mimed a little _ba-dum-tss_ action.

“I thought we agreed we weren’t going to make that joke,” Ryan said, elbowing him in the side. “Low-hanging fruit.”

“Yeah, but I think we’ve established that I’m fine with low-hanging fruit,” Shane said. “On account of how I’m marrying you.”

Ryan sighed and made a show of pinching the brow of his nose.

“And also you’re short,” Shane continued, because he prided himself on his commitment to a bit, and this was a bit he planned on committing himself to for the rest of his life.

“So stay tuned to see me marry this idiot,” Ryan said, jerking a thumb in Shane’s direction.

“Well, wait a minute here,” Shane said, holding up a finger. “I may well be an idiot, and my high school German teacher would say _definitely_ , but you’re the one who said yes when an idiot asked you to marry him. So what does that make you?”

Ryan let out an even heavier sigh and cast his eyes up to the ceiling. “Is this like a weird backhanded way of making me compliment you on the record?”

Shane shook his head. “Nah, it was totally an attempt to roast you, but if you _want_ to compliment me…”

“Well, I can safely say there’s no other large-headed tree man whose proposal I’d accept, so.”

Shane clapped a hand to his chest. “Moments like this, they’re what a guy waits his whole life for.” A thought occurred to him, and he turned to face the camera. “Oh, wait, I suppose I should back up a bit and say, uh, we’ve been dating for a while. Like, in a feelings way, not just in a 'going to a lot of theme parks together' way. I mean, you’ve probably figured that out by now, but maybe it would have been less confusing if we started with that.”

“Yeah, this isn’t a bit,” Ryan said. “Legal marriage license procured, legit relationship, the whole nine yards.”

“They probably think it’s a bit,” Shane said. Which, given their respective careers, was entirely fair. Shane had written and produced a lot of animation about sentient foodstuffs in space just to tug on Ryan’s metaphorical pigtails before either of them had figured out that they weren't entirely straight. “But stay tuned! We’ve got proof.”

“I’m not going to make out with you on camera to prove we’re together,” Ryan said in an undertone.

“I meant… I meant the whole getting married thing?” Shane said. “Not that you're not a master at slipping me some tongue, but I’m not going to make out with you in front of the whole internet. I’m not that desperate for likes.” There was really only one person whose attention Shane wanted particularly badly of late—and sitting there side by side on a shitty motel room bed, Ryan’s hand clasped warm in his and the two of them grinning like loons at one another, well, Shane was pretty sure he had it.

**Author's Note:**

> [This past February 29, the town of Hell, Michigan (population 70) married 29 couples at 2:29 p.m.](https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2020/02/19/hell-michigan-wedding-leap-day/4808664002/) You know it's the kind of thing they'd do.


End file.
